The Moral of the Story Is Don’t Read French Aspirational Books While Intoxicated
After an awesome night of Indian food and intoxicants with our friend Blue on Friday, it was v. late and time for bed. But I was not quite sleepy enough for sleep yet so I decided to start reading my latest French aspirational book (this one was written by a Brit), All You Need to Be Impossibly French: A Witty Investigation into the Lives, Lusts and Little Secrets of French Women.
So, I’m reading and at first it’s v. blahblahblahblahdon’tgetfatcakes* and I would never ever get falling down drunk in public because humor and sloppy fun is not something touted by my people and I would sooner DIE than get fat or dress in sweats in front of lover (…until I move to America/UK and then I proceed to do just that because once I am not part of a culture designed to make me act like an aloof perfectly groomed Persian cat, that’s when shit gets real), the standard observed French behavior basically, that’s when I learn two key points:
1. Apparently, according to the French, every time you go to bed in your make up you age eight days. And having an AM and PM skincare regime can keep you looking good for your age and not needing Botox and whatnot that makes you look like a melting plastic Barbie of indeterminable age.
2. When you buy French underwear in France, it is serious business. Like they have whole huge stores devoted *just* to lingerie. They have dressing rooms with two buttons - one to summon a salesperson and one to change the lighting in your room so you know how you’ll look for your lover.
Naturally, I was reading about this with every intention of going to bed with my makeup on. Then I was like, holy shit! This must be rectified right now at 1a. I stumbled out of bed and went through the make up bag I have with rarely used make up in it and pulled out samples of eye cream and srs moisturizing cream from Clinique. I cleaned all the makeup off my face and then moisturized. Then I started thinking about how I should start moisturizing my hands and feet and lips at night. Then I started thinking about french underthings and wondering if they would come in my size. (Answer: Yes.)
And then I think I passed out. The next day, who was ordering new underwear and working on new eye make up looks? This girl.
The French are costing me a lot of money. I will now need to invest in more moisturizer soon but I sure as hell will wait for Bonus Week.
* I am half seriously contemplating writing a book called: How to Be Fabulously Faux French as a Zaftig American Chick …which the French would haaaaaaaaaaate which makes me kind of want to do it more.
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[Image: 6-piece blue colored background with a Siamese cat with blue eyes. Text reads: “tell friend about eating disorder “but you’re not very thin””]](http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lx00qql3wW1qi36g3o1_400.jpg)
